You Can’t Mean "Yes" if you Never Practice "No"

Each unexamined yes is a small loan against your energy, attention, values, and self-respect, with compounding interest.

-Dr. Ardeshi Mehran

We live in a frenetic time, with something urgent always demanding to be accomplished. Our nervous systems generally decide how we respond: either frantically jumping from one task to the next, or rebelling and shutting down in paralysis. The middle ground—intentionally pausing, weighing options, and choosing what to do next—is a much harder. It requires awareness and practice.

I’d like to say I’m good at this, but that wouldn’t be entirely honest. The truth is, I’ve learned to become skillful in some areas of life and still find myself challenged in others. For much of my life, my nervous system was dysregulated. Fear was running the show, and I defaulted to saying “no” to almost any personal request that wasn’t exactly what I wanted, while saying “yes” to nearly every professional one. (It was far better to be my boss than my partner!) I mistook my rigid personal boundaries for healthy self-care—when in reality they were avoidance of anything uncomfortable, unknown, or scary. And I mistook my lack of professional boundaries for dedication, when in truth it was people-pleasing and a deep fear of disappointing others.

Learning to tell the difference is the real work. Boundaries rooted in fear or over-accommodation keep us trapped in old patterns, even when they look responsible on the surface. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, require slowing down, tuning into ourselves, and making intentional decisions. When our nervous systems are activated, we tend to react automatically—driven by the urgency of modern life and the survival strategies we absorbed early on.

It would be wonderful if boundaries worked like a one-time calibration—set them once and then move on with life. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Every new request, invitation, or demand on your time requires fresh discernment. Boundaries shift with your circumstances, your nervous system state, and your values in the moment. Treating them this way—less like rigid walls and more like ongoing conversations with yourself—keeps them flexible enough to serve both your well-being and your relationships, without tipping into avoidance on one side or self-sacrifice on the other.