What I had to Learn the Hard Way and Why I Coach Now
Why This Work is Personal
I am called to coach because this is the work I had to do. I’ve gone through the fire to be where I am now—finally grateful, healthy, and aligned at age 49! It’s been a long process, and I’m passionate about helping others find their way with more clarity and support than I had.
Living in Survival Mode (Without Knowing It)
I spent much of my life in a perpetual state of nervous system activation—aka anxiety. Like most people, I didn’t realize this was the case or that there was an alternative. While on paper my life was good and I knew I should feel grateful, my internal state didn’t reflect this, and I battled cynicism, pessimism, and depression. Outwardly, I was “successful,” but the chatter in my brain told me I was defective, a disappointment, and just generally not a good person. I wasn’t one of those people who presented as “miserable,” though. Those around me (with the exception of my intimate partners) viewed me as confident, capable, and generally well-adjusted.
The Break That Opened Everything
An excruciating breakup in my mid-thirties finally woke me up to my plight. I was feeling more broken and defective than I ever had, wondering if all the effort of life was really worth it. The life raft the universe tossed me was the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. I learned that my feelings and behaviors weren’t the result of my “defectiveness” but my unconscious and deeply rooted attachment injuries. I felt seen and validated and hopeful for the first time in my life! The book was the trailhead that would lead to my career as a therapist.
“There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.”
—Ajahn Chah
The Limits of Insight
I delved deep into my own (and others’) psyches, tracing back the stories, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors that resulted from our conditioning and complex histories. This knowledge is foundational to self-understanding and self-acceptance, a necessary part of growth, but insufficient toward truly thriving.
The Nervous System: The Missing Piece
Though I had begun to address my mind, I still wasn’t in my body. There were only a few fleeting references to the nervous system in my counseling program. The more I learned about the nervous system, the more shocking this oversight became. I often recognized why I was triggered in a given situation, but I felt powerless to alter or interrupt my reactions. (Note: understanding why you are reacting the way you are—self-knowledge—doesn’t translate into having the ability to control your reactions.) Cue: The nervous system!
A Human Animal in a Modern World
As I learned about the nervous system and how to work with it, I also began to learn how misaligned modern times are with our basic human needs. We evolved to live in nature in tribes of up to 150 people. Isolation, disconnection, lack of purpose, and disconnection from our environment did not exist until very recently in the human timeline. Understanding this context illuminated why my clients (and myself) still felt some sort of lack in spite of achieving the trappings of a “good life.” Being deeply connected to others and the environment isn’t nice—it’s absolutely necessary to flourishing.
Why I Coach
Coming to understand my conditioning, history, nervous system, and needs as an animal of the human species has been a long (and experimental) process. I continue to learn so much about myself and my needs. I’m far from enlightened, but I’m grounded, content, and ever learning. All of my struggles and learning can assist others in a much more efficient path toward wholeness.
Coaching allows me to bring together the insight of therapy, the embodied work of nervous system regulation, and the truth of lived experience into one integrated offering. This is how I serve. This is why I coach.