The Stories We Tell Ourselves After Being Seen

CORE INSIGHT

Lately I’ve been stretching myself to be in new spaces and meet new people, and I’ve noticed myself vacillate between two very different reactions afterwards. Sometimes I leave wondering if I talked too much, came across strangely, or whether people actually liked me. My mind starts replaying interactions and finding all the possible ways I might have messed something up. I’ve started thinking of this as a kind of “vulnerability hangover,” the emotional residue that can come from feeling exposed around new people.

Other times, I notice myself going in the exact opposite direction. Instead of turning inward, I find myself dismissing the room entirely, thinking things like, these aren’t really my people, this wasn’t worth my time, or nobody here really gets me. What I’ve realized is that both reactions are often attempts to protect me from the same thing: the vulnerability of uncertainty, rejection, exposure, or not fully belonging.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

— Anaïs Nin

PATTERN REFRAME

Your first reaction to a new social environment is not always intuition. Sometimes it’s protection. Our nervous systems are constantly trying to answer questions about safety, belonging, rejection, and social risk long before we consciously process what we actually think or feel. Sometimes we protect ourselves by turning inward into self-consciousness and over-analysis. Other times we protect ourselves by creating distance through judgment, superiority, or dismissal. Both are attempts to regulate the vulnerability of exposure. The question worth asking is not “was that room good or bad?” but “what was my nervous system trying to protect me from?"

MY FIELD NOTES

For many years I allowed the judgment of myself or others to constrain my life. I avoided unfamiliar people and environments and it shrank my life. I eventually learned that avoiding discomfort kept me exactly where I was. What I thought was my personality was actually a nervous system pattern. Once I started paying attention to these reactions, I was able to work with them and see them as the protectors they are. I've noticed this in myself so many times that I've learned how to not believe what my brain is telling me. Now when I catch it, I try to turn toward the part of me that felt exposed rather than away from it, which allows me to (often) stay open and keep showing up in unfamiliar places. Last Sunday I attended a workshop where, on paper, I was the odd one out. I noticed, for the first time, that I wasn't protecting myself against anything. I was just curious. I don’t expect that will always be how I feel, but it felt very significant.

LAB EXPERIMENT

This week, after any social interaction that leaves you with a reaction, try observing the thoughts your brain offers. Maybe it's "I talked too much" or "those weren't my people." Then ask: is this what actually happened, or is this my nervous system trying to keep me safe? You don't have to answer definitively, the question itself is enough. We can't work with what we won't look at.