What I had to Learn the Hard Way and Why I Coach Now

I am called to coach because this is the work I had to do. I’ve gone through the fire to be where I am now—finally grateful, healthy, and aligned at age 49. It’s been a long process, and I’m passionate about helping others find their way with more clarity and support than I had.

I spent much of my life in a perpetual state of nervous system activation—aka anxiety. Like most people, I didn’t realize this was the case or that there was an alternative. On paper, my life looked good, and I knew I should feel grateful—but my internal state didn’t reflect that. I battled cynicism, pessimism, and depression. Outwardly, I was “successful,” but the chatter in my brain told me I was defective, a disappointment, and just generally not a good person. I didn’t present as “miserable,” though. Most people—except my intimate partners—saw me as confident, capable, and well-adjusted.

“There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.” —Ajahn Chah

An excruciating breakup in my mid-thirties finally woke me up. I felt more broken and defective than ever, wondering if all the effort of life was really worth it. The life raft the universe tossed me was the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. I learned that my feelings and behaviors weren’t the result of defectiveness, but of unconscious and deeply rooted attachment injuries. I felt seen, validated, and hopeful for the first time in my life. That book was the trailhead that eventually led me to become a therapist.

I delved deep into my own (and others’) psyches, tracing back the stories, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors shaped by our conditioning and complex histories. This knowledge is foundational to self-understanding and self-acceptance—a necessary part of growth—but it’s not sufficient for truly thriving.

Though I had begun to address my mind, I still wasn’t in my body. There were only fleeting references to the nervous system in my counseling program. The more I learned on my own, the more shocking that omission became. I often understood why I was triggered in a given moment but felt powerless to change my reactions. (Understanding your reaction doesn’t mean you can regulate it.) Cue: the nervous system.

Learning to work with my nervous system illuminated another truth: modern life is fundamentally misaligned with our biology. We evolved to live in nature, in tribal groups of around 150 people. Disconnection, isolation, overstimulation, and disembodiment didn’t exist until recently in human history. Understanding this mismatch clarified why my clients—and I—could achieve the trappings of a “good life” and still feel like something was missing. Deep connection to others and the environment isn’t a luxury—it’s a biological necessity.

Coming to understand my conditioning, history, nervous system, and needs as a human animal has been a long and experimental process. I continue to learn what it means to feel safe, whole, and fully present. I’m far from enlightened—but I’m grounded, content, and ever-learning.

This path—full of wrong turns, hard truths, and real breakthroughs—is the same path I now help others walk. Coaching allows me to bring together everything I’ve lived, studied, practiced, and integrated. It’s not about speeding up the journey for the sake of ease—it’s about offering a more direct trail to wholeness.